The Six Secret Rules for air hostesses....

Rule 1: Air hostesses should remember that they are, first and foremost, sales persons. They are responsible for selling stale trail mix, cheap headphones and overpriced blankets and pillows. Unfortunately, airlines do not as yet sell water, so air hostesses should refrain from handing out water unless specifically requested by passengers. Even then, they should provide water only in tiny water cups.

Rule 2: All air hostesses should wear high heels that are at least 6 inches high. Heels of five inches may be permitted in special cases, with prior approval. They should sashay through the aisle, rolling carts on high heels, and also use these heels to curb passengers who demand too much attention, like extra cups of water.

Rule 3: Air hostesses should have long fingernails that are at least an inch long. Long fingernails are an important accessory that can be used to dip into cups and discourage use of complimentary drinks by passengers. They can also be used to poke passengers while handing out cups of water and juice.

Rule 4: Make up is very important. Nail polish and lip stick should always be bright red in color. Also, make-up should be applied heavily, so the face looks pale, contrasting with the bright red lipstick. Eyes should be heavily made up. This appearance, when combined with a glare, may scare some of the more timid passengers.

Rule 5: Hair color should be brown on Tuesdays and Thursdays. On all other days, it should be black. Red and orange highlights are recommended.

Rule 6: Air hostesses should give the appearance of smiling at passengers. But genuine smiles are not recommended, in case the passengers get too friendly and request additional cups of water, newspapers or other services currently free.

The airlines take interaction with passengers very seriously. Hidden cameras will be placed above each seat to monitor whether air hostesses chat with passengers or otherwise indulge in courteous behavior. Such behavior can attract disciplinary action. Air hostesses are permitted to be rude to economy class passengers, however, and also to smile in relief, however, when passengers depart the plane.

Perhaps there are more. Certainly the airlines seem to invent a new rule every day, and you just have to open the papers to learn about it. So readers, can you suggest more rules for air hostesses that you have come across?